James Marco is a famous German stylist from Technoburg, East Berlin, who came to Los Santos to film his movie Key Bump.
James Marco has an assistant, Hanz, who normally handles most of the workload, but was delayed for several days after contracting rabies from a gerbil (also known as "a boofing incident") before James Marco's departure to the U.S. After Hanz reunited with James Marco in Los Santos, he denied getting rabies, saying it was just an overdose on ketamine.
James Marco St. Marco learned his ABCs through German education, which obviously included many topless women.
James Marco's past clients as a hair stylist include:
- Dr. Phil
- Vin Diesel
- Michael Jordan
- Dwayne Johnson
- Amber Rose
- Jon Hamm (styled on the day he was cast in Mad Men)
- Kyle Gass
- Jean-Luc Picard
- Johnny Sins (gave him his "very tight, very hot, very cool Sin-cut")
- Steve Harvey ("very tight, very light summer cut")
- Ben Kingsley & Pitbull (at the same time, one with each hand. "It was a flex.")
- Bruce Willis (gave him his signature light summer cut)
- Mads Mikkelsen — from the hit TV series Hannibal. James Marco has willed his dog to Mads when he was near death. Was a tender lover.
- Hasan Piker — His lover who suffers from heterocephalia ("small head" "his shoulders are wide like a twin mattress and his head is like the tip of a pin") When asked how they make love, James Marco responded, "very carefully."
- Lindsay Lohan — Following a "particularly hot" orgy, Lohan remarked how at certain angles from behind, Marco's gluteus resembles James Franco's. Lohan did too much ketamine, puked on Marco's mink coat, and then ran into the street screaming that she was Marilyn Monroe. Marco reflects: "I laughed, I cried, und I came."
- Responsible for multiple automobile accidents.
- Wrote an article for the magazine Gape Lad titled "What's Gaping Now with James Marco St. Marco".
- Gained his Firearms License on February 6, 2021. Lost Firearms License February 12, 2021.
- Attended a party at the Waco Compound the day of the siege.
- James Marco has a dog named Spröckëz ("Spröckëz" is German for "sprocket").
- His signature includes a full drawing of Snoopy Dog from the Peanuts series.
- He enjoys dancing wildly on set after a successful scene, usually with two large glowsticks in hand.
- He can do very parkour BMX tricks!
- Favorite movie is Das Boot (1981)
- Can count cards
- Has a 12/12 schmeckel
Behaviors & Appearance
James Marco has dealt with and is currently in the throes of a horse tranquilizer (ketamine) addiction. Marco typically does what is called a "baker's handful," which is a crude way of measuring the amount of ketamine one consumes by reaching into a burlap sack full of the substance, and "jamming it into one's face."
Marco suffers from Spastic Arm Syndrome (suspected to be the result of his ketamine addiction) which has caused him to punch both his producer and a female officer named Brittany Angel who he claimed to be the love of his life. Another one of these episodes resulted in Key Bump's producer, Richie Dorado's, voice turning into one most easily described as the voice of drowning daffy duck. This problem was fixed by the antithesis of the cause, by punching him in the neck again, but from the back.
James Marco St Marco never wears the same outfit twice, all his worn outfits are displayed in a museum in East Berlin.
Interests & Hobbies
- Pole dancing
- Music production
- Ball-stomping (particularly interested in combat boots and stiletto heels)
- Ketamine (again)
- Ketamine (again [again])
- Going WAYYY TOOOOO FASSST!
James Marco's acquaintances
- Carl Crimes - showed James Marco the ropes
- Leonardo Day-Lewis - lead actor in Key Bump
- Sunny Brooks - former lead actress in Key Bump
- Richie Dorado - producer of Key Bump
- Michael Bay
- James Cameron
- Hanz Rimmer - personal assistant
- Abdul AlRahim
- Robert Spowylamywanowski - James Marco's manager at Burger Shot
- Kenneth Foreman - co-worker at Burger Shot, star of Wake Up, Samurai!
- Lara Crotch- lead actress in Key Bump
- Johnny Silverhand - actor and co-director
- Four Tee (via Ken-sama. Ken is 4T's friend)
Controversies and Scandals
- James Marco has been accosted for his treatment of cast members and onlookers during filming:
- One particular instance resulted in James Marco entering into a physical altercation with several bystanders outside of a Burger Shot who were "fucking up his scene." This interaction led to a 15 minute high speed (shoulder carrying) chase with police and the victims of Marco's outburst.
- After the kingpin scene of Key Bump, several hecklers called out to James Marco saying "Nobody wants to see your dirty scat film anyway you fucking German fuck." James Marco then proceeded to run over to the heckler and hit him with 3 right hooks, and ran out into the street.
- In the middle of the boardwalk scene, an extra was hired to walk across the scene. After the first take, James Marco was unsatisfied with the walk-on's performance. James Marco's producer, Richie Dorado, took the extra on his shoulder and threw him over the boardwalk's rails into the ocean. The extra was presumed dead from drowning; however, he was seen at the yacht party later that day.
- After the final take of the "Meeting Fat Gay Tony" scene, Marco was speaking to one of Melbert's friends about the Simon Says footage when Dorado approached. Dorado was pleased with the scene and punched Mel's friend which broke into an all-out brawl on the yacht, leaving several partiers incapacitated, including Mr. St. Marco himself.
- Sometime during the shooting of the bouncer scene outside the Vanilla Unicorn, James Marco became incensed by a bystander insinuating the only films he made were scat films. James Marco, in a rage, attacked the man. The two would later meet again on the docks during an afternoon of fishing. The man threatened to pin the murders of approximately 27 women on James Marco unless he was promptly paid $1000. James Marco counter-offered by telling the man to stick his own hand up his ass and puppeteer himself like Kermit the Frog. Soon after, as James Marco Saint Marco and his fishing partner Conrad set out to sea on their boat for more fishing, the man followed in his own boat and rammed them, flipping them over.
- James Marco has come under fire for his unnamed cat meme film by animal rights groups for the heinous and cruel deaths of 15 cats that were cast for the film.
- One time James Marco St. Marco was traveling with a friend to Lebanon, but his friend forgot to check in with any of his family members. James Marco was subsequently charged with human trafficking. While the misunderstanding was eventually sorted out, it was very scary for James.
- James Marco caught a baby shark while fishing with Conrad (role-played by smaczny), then tortured it with the infamous "Baby Shark" song used by toddler sharks to make fun of smaller baby sharks.
James Marco, struggling to fund his film Key Bump, search for jobs to earn money.
- Taxi Drive Adventures
- After many near death experiences and the loss of the budget necessary for the continuation of filming Hollywood film, Key Bump, James Marco St. Marco and Leonardo Day-Lewis depart on the most EPIC fishing adventure known to man, taking a 1-day break from producing their film.
- A German, an Actor, an American, a Japanese person, a Frenchman, and an Arab get in a taxi...
- Fishing Adventures
- Taxi driver Abdul leads them on the beginnings of their journeys and helps them get ready to depart on their journey. They stop at a hunting shop and James Marco St. Marco has to buy a fishing poll for Leonardo Day-Lewis. They then stop at the prison to pick up a Frenchman, later dropping off at Burger Shot before finally making their way to the pier. At the pier, James Marco St. Marco gets scammed for buying a $200 boat that was actually free. When trying to get the fishing job, the realized that there was only 1 spot left, so they turned to their leader, Abdul who showed them the ways of the trash man.
- Trash Person Adventures
- James Marco St. Marco adds some real, much needed, energy to the trash profession by living the "real American life of a trash person". Joseph Yorinobu (who was revealed to be a weeb and not actually Japanese) was last seen when the trash truck drove under a low-hanging overpass and knocked him off of his position atop the truck and onto the road, where he was subsequently run over by James Marco Saint Marco's newly arrived assistant, Hanz. They work long hours only arrive back at the Sanitation Center to discover they had, in fact, failed to earn a single dollar. This causes James Marco and Leonardo to suffer mental breakdowns, their desperation reaching an all-time high as their status reaches an all-time low. This is the point where they start offering random oral sex to anyone who will pay, even going so far as to lowball and "outbid" one another with lower and lower prices.
- Attempt to Bartend
- Desperate for a job and any money at all money, James Marco & Leonardo Day-Lewis tweet that they are willing to do anything at all for money, including but not limited to: shitting on chests, being a chest that gets shit on, oral sex, anal sex, and worse. They end up finding a job opening as bartenders for Betty at the Yellow Jack and after Leonardo haggles with a few different people from the yellow pages, they manage to arrange transport. They arrive after Leonardo's heinous vomiting attack in the back of the van they'd commissioned. The van driver, enraged, strikes Leonardo down. Shortly after EMS and police arrive on the scene, James Marco gets into a fight with two patrons within the bar after he insults the griddle that their meals had been cooked upon. He was promptly incapacitated. EMS is forced to return to the scene.
- Burger Shot Overnight Crew
- Hired as overnight crew on February 8th, 2021, by Robert Spowylamywanowski.
- When a group of homeless beggars approached demanding both free money and free food, James Marco made a simple offer: an all-out bum fight battle royale. Winner gets a sandwich and $20. A brawl promptly broke out, leading night manager Robert to lock several customers and employees inside with the hammer-wielding homeless man who won the fight. The situation escalated when the man pocketed his hammer only to withdraw a handgun and threaten those inside.
- Leonardo Day-Lewis was dying, meanwhile, in the alley out back. He'd been beaten after refusing to stop insulting a customer's mother and insinuating he had in fact fucked her. It's likely he had not. Leo was luckily attended to by a mysterious freelancing doctor and kept alive long enough for actual EMS and police to arrive at the scene.
- Sprocket Cab Company & Incident At The Apartments
- On February 9th, 2021, after a morning spent fishing with a Polish art-thief named either Conrad or Kyle, James Marco (newly reunited with his former assistant Hanz Rimmer) stole several beautiful luxury two-seater vehicles and used them to rapidly deliver citizens of Los Santos across the city. This stint as a taxi driver was short-lived, however - only successfully completing a cumulative three cab rides.
- When James Marco returned to the Apartments to find new passengers in his stolen luxury vehicle, he was unlucky enough to run right into Tony Corleone who, delighted by James Marco's choice of car, drew a gun and demanded James Marco surrender it. In a panic, James Marco Saint Marco slammed pedal to the metal and sped off. Enraged and empowered, however, by the roar of the engine, James Marco and his assistant turned on a dime to try to ram the still-armed Tony with their stolen vehicles. This act (arguably self-defense) was only mildly successful.
- James Marco sped away from the scene of the attempted robbery but was soon pulled over by Officer Dan [full name needed, role-played by AaronOnAir]. The officer did not appear interested in the bewildered James Marco's story when James Marco attempted to explain he had only been speeding away from a gun. Overwhelmed with anxiety and adrenaline, James Marco immediately fell silent when prompted by the officer's reading of his right to remain silent. Though Officer Dan is known to let many of the people he pulls over off easy, he had no choice but to arrest James Marco for speeding and grand theft auto.
- James Marco served approximately 20 months in jail, most of which was spent doing push-ups and claiming to be a political prisoner like Nelson Mandela. His attorney during this time was David Thoreau.
- Real American Trash Men (Who Are Also Trashy Men)
- On February 9th, 2021, James Marco Saint Marco and Leonardo Day-Lewis were determined to finally make some money with what they had learned from studying the common folk of Los Santos. First, however, they required UNIFORMS. Sexy shirtless scarf uniforms. They were joined by the perpetually chapped-lipped Hanz Rimmer as they decided to become real American garbage men once more, with vigor.
Interdimensional Yacht Party
- On February 9th, 2021, James Marco and Leo were enjoying live music on a yacht anchored off the shore of Vespuchi Beach. While James Marco was taking time to meditate, Leo carried him away from the party to a more tranquil part of the ship. When James Marco was put back down however, he ascended to a different dimension.
- Upon seeing the fabric of the 3-dimensional world he once inhabited, James Marco began to panic. The orchestral masterpiece from the box office hit Interstellar begins to play (a composition by Hans Zimmer, not to be confused with James' assistant Hanz Rimmer). It is unclear whether the music is a product of the 4th dimension or simply imagined by James Marco due to his past history with Ketamine and chemicals inhaled from the glowsticks he carries.
- Once James Marco is pulled back to the third dimension, he is faced with the realization that nothing in this world is what it seems to be. He exclaims that he has seen the illusion of the universe while traveling through time and space. In the heat of his psychosis James Marco climbs over a railing and jumps into the sea yelling, "I can never go back!". It is still to be seen whether this traumatic experience will play a role in James Marco's catharsis when crafting another one of his feature films.
- On February 12, 2021, James Marco went to Burger Shot for work as usual. Upon entering Burger Shot, he found three of his co-workers in a prone position yelling about how they were going to be turned into hamburgers. James Marco pulled out his pistol as a precaution. The police came and detained him briefly, then let him go after learning that he was not involved in the crime.
- Shortly afterward, the police sent everyone outside of Burger Shot and locked down the premises. James Marco's friend Bradley Kickass, who needed to clock into work, couldn't get inside. So James Marco took out his pistol and fired rounds into the air to distract the police so that Bradley could get inside, not understanding that this is a serious criminal act.
- Almost as soon as he'd re-holstered his handgun and turned to fetch the cops, ready with a lie, Officer Dan Faily was running towards James Marco and the gunshots. James Marco lied, claiming he'd been fired at in a drive-by. After a quick search of the scene, however, Officer Dan was able to find the bullet casings right on the sidewalk. He further confirmed it was James Marco who had been the one discharging his weapon with a gunshot residue test. Once in a holding cell,
- James Marco pled guilty and was sentenced to 7 months in prison, and his firearms license was revoked.
|TBA||Wake up, Samurai!||
|1960||Memoirs of a Gay-sha||
|1990||Life Revisited 2||
|2000||Rise of the Planet of the Nards||
|2003||Screech Prom Night||
|2016||The Wing in Hussah||
|2019||Unnamed Stop Motion Film||
|N/A||Unnamed (and unfinished) Project||
|2021||Los Santos On Tape|
|2021||Mysteries of the Human Body|
|2021||Crimes on Tape series|
- "Taxi Cab Confessions"
- No waivers needed, since its a silly American rule.
- Bum Scrap
- Inspired by a bum-fighting incident that occurred while James Marco Saint Marco was working overnight at Burgershot and co-developed by Burgershot assistant manager Robert Spowylamywanowski.
- What Would You Do? Hosted by Johnny Silverhand & Ali Farmand.
- It's "What Would You Do?" but totally an original idea. Kapp.
- James Marco St. Marco is a character Will Neff roleplayed IRL while cutting Hasan Piker's hair as part of Hasan's subscriber count goals.
|Played By: Willneff|
|Characters: James Marco St. Marco • The Bishop • Matt Foley • Donna Pecorino • Christopher Stalken†|