Kirk Jerkems

Kirk Jerkems is a character role-played by Thio.

🦏 General Description
Kirk Jerkems is a mullet-loving madman from Kona, Alabama. He regularly introduces himself with the catchphrase "First we Kirk'em then we Jerk'em" whenever he meets someone new. He enjoys clowning around with the Clowncil, robbing houses, evading police, and competing in street races (Kirk's RV finished to become the fastest house in Los Santos). Sometimes he accepts invitations to boost cars and robs banks (he helped The Stable rob the City Vault at the beginning and end of their life span).

Heralding himself as the "Professor of Methematics", Kirk loved methamphetamine and methamphetamine accessories. His main ambition in life was to produce and smoke "copious amounts of methamphetamine". As the primary meth cook for The Stable, Kirk was part of the third group to ever complete a big meth run. He is 4-1 in big meth runs. Kirk finally retired from the meth game after his second drug trafficking conviction for it and the seizure of both of his meth tables.

Kirk is often unemployed and has a long history of getting fired from his legal jobs. On May 27, 2021, he was hired at the Rooster's Rest as security after Augusta Carlin recommended him. During a dry period, Kirk began twatting about the Rooster's Rest selling "people pokers" in order to attract customers. These syringes were full of the drug metamorphine. CEO Penny Farthing subsequently fired Kirk from the Rooster's Rest on November 17, 2021. After Kirk flashed a gun at Penny at the Rooster's Rest, an irate Lang Buddha chased Kirk in prison and stabbed him with a shank. On February 2, 2022, Lang offered Kirk his Rooster's Rest job back in exchange for 30,000 materials within 48 hours. As Kirk chopped cars struggling to make the deadline, Nancy Drew secretly gave him $50,000 to help him buy mats from other choppers. On February 7, 2022, Kirk finally delivered the 30,000 mats he grinded to an impressed Lang and triumphantly got his Rooster's Rest security job back from Penny. Unfortunately, Kirk eventually lost it again from clowning around too much. Kirk also used to work regularly at Burger Shot until the owner Shelly Smith fired him for his blackmail shenanigans against her and Scruffy Doodle.

🐎 The Stable
In Kirk's early days in Los Santos he ran into Richard Chiclets who introduced him to the other founding members of 4EQ. They later branded Kirk into The Stable where he became the head of their methamphetamine production and a getaway driver. During Kirk's time in The Stable, he met Abner Vaca with whom he founded the "Bandito Boys".

👥💰 Bandito Boys


As Kirk and Abner Vaca began 2022 building their own meth empire from the ground up, Kirk's lifelong dream to own his own private meth lab started off on the wrong foot. He had lost one meth table to Randy Bullet and the Angels and one meth table to turf rivals Chang Gang Street Team. Terrified that all of the meth labs would be gone before he could buy one, Kirk set up a timer and diligently cooked his new strain on two placeable meth tables while Abner sold the meth to keep the operation running smoothly. Kirk stockpiled the meth pillows in a "Bandito Bunker" that he shared with Abner and Xavier Valentine, sold pillows to Mortelle, attempted to pitch wholesale meth runs, recruited Rocky Topps as a meth distributor, and took over The Stall payments from Thomas Dwayne. On January 18, 2022, Kirk hit Level 2 on his placeable meth table, doubling his meth pillow production. Unfortunately, the paint thinner required for Level 2 cooks emptied Kirk's entire bank account.

🤡 Clown Cartel
As Janky the Clown, Kirk began to regularly hang out with his chaotic friend Chatterbox, Scruffy Doodle, and the Clown Cartel. On February 7, 2022, Kirk helped them (and a random stranger named Ajax) loot Bobcat Security for their first time. No police responded. On February 11, 2022, the police arrested Cindy Tipton with twelve meth baggies and an illegal beretta M9, subpoenaed her bank and phone records, locked down her warehouse (full of enough guns and weed for trafficking charges), and attempted to get a search warrant for it.

🤡 Clowncil
After Kirk provoked Pandora, Ursula quit the Clown Cartel and donated $100,000 to them as a parting gift. Chatterbox convinced the Clown Cartel to operate less like a criminal gang and rebrand themselves to the Council of Clowns. Burger Shot owner Shelly Smith fired Kirk from the restaurant for his blackmail shenanigans against her and Scruffy Doodle. Then on April 19, 2022 due to an update in the crime apps that made gang membership a prerequisite, Kirk and the clowns assumed they lost access to meth cornering (but Kirk didn't mind because he had burnt himself out on meth trafficking).

🐢 Trivia

 * First man to finish a race in an RV.
 * He has gout and references his condition on a regular basis.
 * He was turned into a vampire by Carmella Corset but has since been "cured."
 * Kirk owned pet turtles named "turt-ellini," tort-ellini," and "turd-ellini." Turdellini is named after turds because "he's a shitty turtle." During Kirk's meth trafficking incarceration, he entrusted his entire bag of baby turtles to Dick Chiclets for safekeeping. The police found this bag of turtles when they raided the beachside house of Dick's ex-wife Marie Ortiz. Following another police raid, Marie noticed that the turtles had gone missing. Kirk doesn't know who turtle-napped them.
 * Kirk has dyslexia. During his drug trafficking sentence Kirk read many dictionary and is now a semi proficient reader.
 * Kirk's middle name is Justin.

✊ Quotes

 * "First ya Kirk 'em, then ya Jerk 'em"
 * "and if you've got PBR then ya slurp 'em and ya burp 'em"
 * "What's meth-am-phet-a-mine is meth-am-phet-a-yours"
 * "Let 'er rip tater chip"
 * "Hold it down"
 * "Huh?"
 * "General Confusion"